Were It Not For My Broken Heart
by Guardian of the 4th Wall
Summary: "Sebastian, forget our contract. I'm going to be committing suicide tonight," Ciel Phantomhive said ripping off his eye patch staring down at his butler whose lips split into a smile, "What a coincidence my Lord. I was just coming upstairs to kill you."


**TITLE: WERE IT NOT FOR MY BROKEN HEART****  
SUMMARY: **"Sebastian, forget our contract. I'm going to be committing suicide tonight," Ciel Phantomhive said ripping off his eye patch staring down at his butler whose lips split into a smile, "What a coincidence my Lord. I was just coming upstairs to kill you."  
**STORY PAIRINGS:** Ciel+Sebastian

**INFO: **Over the years I have come to have many accounts here. I am slowly in the process of switching all my stories to one account. Sorry for any confusion this may cause. :'(

* * *

Ciel was pretty much an expert at it now. He knew just what to do please his demon servant. Having just turned fourteen, and him and Sebastian's relationship had moved a step beyond simply master and servant. Mind, it would always be Ciel's first priority to be his master, his Lord, his owner. Though he had supposed he could be lover as well. Besides that he noticed Sebastian fought better after their first acts of being intimate. He was quicker to kill, and easier to command so those were the perks for Ciel as well, because no intimate acts were engaged directly upon him… he had ensured that.

In fact the first time they had been together in such a way Ciel had commanded him, "You are not to lay a hand me, you are not kiss me. But tell me what you need, and I'll do it. That is an order!"

Sebastian had thought it was his aphephobic nature that had been the basis of the command, and he had enjoyed for a time receiving all of the pleasure at his master's hands. Though now he was getting curious. His own desire to touch his Lord was growing. He wanted to see him shiver at his caress. To hear him gasp at his touch. However, he grew tired of the same old thing. To watch him lose all sense of who he was, while at the same time, offering the haven of his arms to safely guide him back to reality.

Sebastian laid on Ciel's bed feeling incredible after his master had done what he was best at.

"Well?" Ciel asked sitting upon the bed in his night shirt. Sebastian had not gotten around to dressing the Lord for the day as the moment he had arrived Ciel had drank his tea as was typical. Though when he stood to have Sebastian change his clothes from pajamas to his everyday ensemble, he had instead ordered Sebastian to lay down.

"Well what?" Sebastian inquired teasingly, and Ciel's eyes immediately narrowed. Sebastian loved that expression. He loved all the expressions Ciel could make and he hadn't even seen half of them.

"How was I?" he snapped a little more than upset that Sebastian made him explain himself, Sebastian could see his eyes dilate slightly from the small upsurge of annoyance he had caused. He was trying to look threatening. However, to a demon such as himself, he came off as innocuous and admittedly a little adorable with his bed head, moist lips, and the ends of his hair dampened ever so slightly from sweat. His lips widening and retracting with the rhythmic movement of his heavy breathing, Sebastian couldn't resist kissing that.

"As always my Lord, you were wonderful," he answered leaning to kiss him softly, only Ciel pulled away almost immediately and moved to sit at the edge of the bed. His fist clutching at his bangs as his breathing began to steady.

"Bring me some tea," he commanded, ans Sebastian knew what he was doing. He was trying to get him to leave so he could sneak off to the bathroom to use the cold water. Smiling Sebastian crept across the bed, and Ciel felt the mattress sink slightly beside him. "My Lord," he whispered softly. "There is no need for that. I would be more than willing to—"

Sebastian's hand had begun to slide up his master's thigh. He truly meant it and wanted it as well. Then again, humans tend to want what they can't have. In this aspect at least, demons were no exception. Ciel immediately slapped it away. "I gave you an order, now follow it!" he spat more sternly.

Sebastian sighed. "Yes my Lord," and with that he rose leaving the room.

Feeling disheartened, Sebastian prepared tea as ordered...

* * *

The next day Ciel was in his office reading through the paper as he typically did this time of day, and Sebastian brought him a small cake for desert setting it on the edge of the oak desk.

"Any news from her majesty?"Ciel asked.

"Indeed," Sebastian said holding the letter. "Were you expecting one?"

"Something curious in the paper caught my eye, I only figured the Queen would be sending a message on it soon enough," Ciel said grabbing a letter opener and tearing the parchment open from the red wax seal bearing the crest of her majesty. He skimmed it before handing it over to Sebastian, who read it to himself silently as his Lord began enjoying his cake Sebastian had brought.

"Interesting," he said. "A murderer spree, and the victims are all children."

"The children were all tortured before being murdered. His victims range from fifteen to seven. You can see why that would trouble her majesty so," Ciel said cutting a piece of the cake away with the edge of his fork before stabbing it. He brought it to his lips about to take a bite when Sebastian purposely leaned forward knocking it into his face leaving a smear of frosting at the edge of his mouth. "Sebastian! What are—?"

"My apologies my Lord, allow me to fix it," he said softly leaning down he licked the frosting off and knelt down for a kiss. Ciel who was taken by surprise did not pull back right away, but rather enjoyed the taste of Sebastian's frosting covered lips.

He pushed Sebastian away, "Just what do you think you're doing?"

"Making my master feel good," he explained reaching a hand out to caress him only to have Ciel jump to his feet loosening his own tie at his neck. "Sit down."

"My Lord…" he said softly. "I am yours to command, and this body is yours to domin—," Sebastian said becoming silenced immediately after at Ciel's glare.

"Get…get the carriage ready. We're heading into town," he demanded.

"My Lord," Sebastian began, ready to once again begin a feeble attempt to try and get Ciel to allow him to touch him, but he stopped at his next sentence.

"Do as I ordered," Ciel snapped.

"…yes my Lord," he sighed softly…

* * *

The two were in the heart of London just a few hours later, the sky oddly cloudy for such a warm who hadn't a clue where to begin looking for this killer made his way to the plays where all his searches lately seemed to begin.

The Undertaker's place was a soiled and run down as it always looked. Sebastian held the door open letting Ciel inside the dimly lit place.

"Undertaker!"Ciel called without an answer.

"I shall see if he's in the back," Sebastian said sidestepping Ciel to head back, only he didn't have to go too far as the undertaker walked out from behind the curtain carrying a stack of books.

"Ah… Earl you're here…" he chuckled slightly as though amused. He set the ancient books on his desk, a small puff of dust billowing out from some of the decrepit pages. Ciel covered his mouth with his gloved hand so as not to breathe it in.

"Hello Earl," he said grinning as he turned towards him. "I have finished it you know…"

"Finished… Finished what?" Ciel asked his eyebrows narrowing.

"Your casket," he said walking over to what had appeared to be a table, he ripped off the cloth covering it revealing a sleek black casket with gold trim and the Phantomhive insignia delicately carved into the top. "Please tell me you'll try it out, I want you to tell me if it's comfortable enough."

"First off, what would I care, I'll be dead at that point. Secondly, explain, since when is it proper procedure to make someone a casket before the person has died?" he snapped.

"Here I put so much care into it, and you seem not to care at all…" he sighed before a twinkling from the hidden eyes behind his bangs shone through and he went over to the wall grabbing one of the urns. "Is it that you wish to be burned upon your death? I have prepared for that as well…"

The urn in his hands looked just like a mini-version of the casket in the room. Gold trim, sleek black. Ciel turned away. How could someone be so excited about death?

"I'm here for information Undertaker, what can you tell me about the recent murders of children throughout London?" he snapped wanting to change the subject quickly. The Undertaker walked around vaguely disappointed before seating himself on the other side of the room where he sat with his back to the Earl. Ciel blinked wondering what on earth he was doing. After a few moments of silence the Undertaker turned slowly grinning and spoke his next words slowly, "You know my price."

"Ugh, Sebastian," Ciel sighed. "Make him laugh."

"As you wish my Lord, wait outside as usual."

Ciel did, honestly not having a desire to see what sort of joke or even sight would make this sicko laugh. When Sebastian was finished he called Ciel back inside revealing a guffawing Undertaker.

"Now, the children Undertaker…"

"Ah, yes…" he said smiling walking over to one of the caskets he pried the lid off. "Those children came to me dead, all so beautifully scarred. It was horrific Earl. They had undergone a death that would have made a grown man weep and beg until the very last moment…"

"Any clues we could use as to discern the killer? Was there anything in common with the bodies besides the way they were murdered?" Ciel asked looking into it. The appearance of a sleeping face of a nine year old girl met them. She was clearly dead by how pale she was. Her arms folded across her chest holding flowers in her hands a scar going through her neck clean from one ear to another.

"I was asked to cover that up to the best of my ability, but it's no fun that way. Have these grieving families no imagination?" he snapped. "Oh well… the customer is always right you know…"

"Wait!" Ciel snapped as the Undertaker began to replace the lid. There was a pearl necklace around the girl's neck that had a porcelain red rose upon it. Ciel leaned down touching it slightly. "This girl wasn't of noble blood was she?"

"No…" the undertaker said. "Her family was quite poor."

"How could she afford something like this then?" Ciel said more to himself than to anyone in particular.

"I know just who you should speak to…" the Undertaker said placing the lid on top at last.

Ciel stood up wiping his gloved hands on a nearby towel, "Who?"

"His name is Andrews. Peter Andrews, he brought in every one of the dead children. It was only after they arrived here that the yard and their parents were notified."

"Andrews isn't a part of the yard?" Ciel asked. It was odd for a citizen to bring in dead bodies especially if he brought in every one… "Where can I find him?"

"He typically hangs out at the corner of the docks and sells opium and other such drugs to passerby," the Undertaker explained. "You shouldn't go Earl, if he is the killer you seek, keep in mind you're within the age range of his victims…"

"I am not scared," Ciel said turning to Sebastian. "We're leaving…"

"Yes my Lord," Sebastian said turning to follow in his wake as they left the building. The Undertaker went to the door.

"Mark my words Earl, you'll be in my casket soon enough if you continue down the Queen's path…"

Ciel waved his words away without stopping. When they were out of sight of the Undertaker's business, he sighed, "He's cracked. Sebastian, I will go speak with this Andrews guy, you go interview the parents of the victims and see if anything valuable turns up there."

"Are you sure you will be safe. After all, if it is as the Undertaker says…" Sebastian began only to have Ciel glare sternly back as if to say, _shut up and do as you're told_!

"Yes, my Lord," Sebastian he sighed, bowing before he disappeared onto a nearby rooftop.

Ciel continued the investigation heading to the corner which was four blocks away. He spotted him immediately, or at least he spotted a man at the corner pedaling narcotics, but doing a rather piss poor job of being discrete. In fact as people passed he was whispering to them.

Ciel decided to walk by as well, and sure enough the man (spotting his nice clothes and pompous attitude) called his attention knowing he would have money.

"Hey kid, I got some magic powder you could give to your Dad. He would love it you know," he said opening his jacked he removed a small package. "It will cure all that ails him. C'mon, you're Dad deserves it don't he?"

Ciel walked over taking the package from him. He removed his glove dipping his finger into the powder and dabbing a little on his tongue. "It doesn't taste like magic," he said softly.

"Well, how often do you taste magic my boy?" he asked laughing slightly.

"A few hours ago back in my office I did," Ciel said. "But this tastes more like opium, wouldn't you agree?"

"How do you know—"

"I'm not a child Mr. Andrews, just as you are not just a drug dealer… How about you tell me about the resent murders taking place here in London. You know, the ones involving all the children…"

The man's eyes widened slightly fearful and he took a step back. "Now…kid… see you…"

The man took off running immediately, and with Sebastian nowhere around Ciel immediately began the chase, not the smartest move in hindsight, but what's done is done. He had known that if this guy had anything to do with these murders he needed to be questioned. After Ciel chased him around a corner he suddenly froze. It felt like his spine was being squeezed by invisible hands and it knocked his breath away forcing him to gasp for every little bit of air he could take in. Ciel fell to his knees his breath coming in quickened gasps, a pain radiating through his jaw. The next moment, his arms became too feeble to support him and he fell unconscious onto the cobblestone street…

* * *

"How is he?" Sebastian asked.

He had brought his bocchan home and immediately sent for a doctor to come examine him. The doctor had spent thirty minutes in the room before leaving it solemn faced. "The young Lord is frail, he cannot overexert himself. With his heart condition if his heart speeds up too far past it's normal rate he could have a heart attack and die. I am surprised that you don't know this, well he probably never told you. Ciel is so very prideful. He used to be a very energetic child until his first attack you know."

Outside in the hall right outside Ciel's bedroom the doctor, Sebastian, and all the Phantomhive servant were gathered. The sky quite dark outside and Sebastian had to hold a candelabra in his hand to offer them the little light they had. Maylene had one as well.

The doctor closed the door behind him softly. Ciel watched as the door creaked shut glimpsing his master's sleeping face just before it had closed completely.

"His first attack?" Finni gaped fearfully.

The doctor nodded, "I remember it like it was yesterday, he and Elizabeth had gone swimming, and Ciel's heart had given out, the family dog had actually pulled him out of the water. That was a good animal. I remember giving Ciel and his parents the news."

Finni and the other servants looked like they were going to cry, as the doctor continued with his story, "Ciel had enjoyed doing so much before then… Running, climbing trees, you know the usual young boy stuff."

He turend to Sebastian, "I have given him medicine that should help him for now, but he needs lots of rest."

"Doctor," Sebastian said softly fearing he already knew the answer to his question. "When will his condition get better?"

"It won't," the doctor said solemnly. "It will only get worse until his heart becomes too weak for much of anything anymore… Now listen, his parents had begged me not to tell Elizabeth's family, so you all must all swear not to let any of them know."

He was looking around the room as though that had been everyone's next move.

"We won't Sir," said Finni. "Though, why can't they know?"

"Think about it!"Maylene said, looking serious. "With his heart condition he and Lady Elizabeth would never be able to conceive a child because our young master would die during..."

She stopped unable to say any more, but everyone knew what she was referring to.

"If they found out they would pick a husband for Elizabeth who would actually be able to conceive an heir," said the doctor. "Please, don't say anything. Lady Elizabeth is one of the few joys Ciel still has in his life, and I think he deserves to keep her."

With that the doctor bid them all farewell and Maylene escorted him out to his carriage, which was parked just out front.

Sebastian turned; walking into Ciel's room he opened the door. The light from the candelabra in his hands put a glow on his sleeping master's face. He walked over seating himself on the edge of Ciel's cushioned bed. He may be pretending to sleep, but Sebastian knew better, and after taking a moment to relish in the living existence of his bocchan he leaned forward.

"My Lord," Sebastian said touching the side of Ciel's face ensuring he could feign sleep no longer. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Tell you what!" he barked annoyed as he had wanted to continue to pretend to be asleep. That way maybe he would slip off to actual sleep faster.

"About your heart," he said. Staring down at Ciel's rhythmic breathing, his chest rising and falling slowly like waves in the ocean. "Why did you not tell me?"

Groaning Ciel sat up slightly so he could prop himself against the pillows better before turning to Sebastian answering bluntly, "It was not necessary information for you to know until now."

"Well, had I known, I wouldn't have tempted you so much," he said feeling slightly guilty that he (as a butler) had not been aware of any of this.

"Its fine," Ciel said sighing. "It wasn't all that annoying. It's the closest I've ever been to foreplay so I didn't mind so much."

"My Lord," Sebastian said softly falling to one knees beside the bed, the covers spilling over the side like water down a waterfall, but he hardly noticed the beauty of the satin sheets especially when a beautiful God was resting so weakly between them. "I promise to take better care of you in the future."

"Tsk, don't talk like that…" Ciel snapped rolling over so he wasn't facing Sebastian anymore.

Feeling solemn about it all, he left his master to the peace of the quiet room to prepare food for his dinner.

* * *

It took six days for Ciel to recover to a near-normal health. Sebastian took special care to not tempt his master in any way, and certainly did not permit Ciel to perform any sexual acts upon him. He did not wish his master's own desire to become so overwhelming that it could physically harm him. So their old way of living had returned. Sebastian was once again just his servant, and Ciel was simply his master. The same old unexciting way of life that Sebastian found himself growing very weary of…

By the middle of the second week of this non-physical lifestyle Sebastian and Ciel found themselves lying in their bed. Ciel was unable to sleep and Sebastian was unwilling to.

Why should everyone else be permitted the luxury of sleeping with whomever they damn well feel like while Ciel couldn't be with anyone. Hell he couldn't even enjoy himself because his heart may fail from stress. He had never once felt the pleasure that others experience so freely, and damn it, it was something Ciel wanted. The look on Sebastian's face alone, when he had reached his peak, was enough to tempt him into desiring a taste of it as well. Why? Why did every other person in this world get to experience it? Just thinking about such an idea was making him warmer than normal. He ran his fingers through his hair thinking hard, and finally he sat up in bed. He had the right to choose just as anyone else, and he had the right to do as he damn well pleased, just as anyone else as well. He turned over looking down at his pillow before slamming his fist into it. He jumped from his covers and grabbed his robe rushing from the room.

Sebastian sat up in his bed. Not being a creature that required sleep he was merely laying to pass the time. His room looked typical of any servants. Simple furniture, simple bed, but he didn't even require that.

_Ciel_…

All those times his Lord had been ensuring his pleasure and denying his own. That must have been infuriating especially since Sebastian had never once tried to make it easier on him. Instead preferring to do every single thing he could to tempt his master into what would have inevitably been his death. Some butler he had been… He couldn't believe this! This was one of the greatest pleasures humans could ever experience, and here Ciel was going to eventually die never having known it. What was Ciel's soul if he did not serve it to his fullest capability the duties of a butler, and right now what Ciel needed even more than revenge was the redemption of his servants actions in the form of…

He got up immediately hurrying to Ciel's room, arriving at the bottom landing just as Ciel emerged at the top of the stairs. He was panting faintly. His pajama top hanging a little off one shoulder…

"My Lord wh—"

"Stop!" Ciel snapped making Sebastian freeze in mid-step. "Listen to me!"

Sebastian took a step back staring up at his precious Lord, who had a glare of the up most seriousness.

His servant stood there on the bottom landing. Candle in hand. The light illuminating the side of his face. He was handsome and strong and powerful. Ciel wanted nothing more than to be near that. To be held by that creature and caressed by his fingers. Life just wasn't worth living if you couldn't spend it in the arms of the one you desired, right? He wasn't entirely sure if what he felt towards Sebastian was love or not. Though at the moment, it really didn't matter whether this was love or not. All he knew was that he needed his servant right now, to fill the position servants serve best, and that is to be with their master's to the very end.

Sebastian stared up as his Lord. He was young, yet somehow older and wiser than most full grown men. He was a man who could have brought an entire world to its knees, never once having batted an eyelash at their suffering. He truly was like a living God, and Sebastian was fully prepared to worship him as one. Every inch would be kissed, every caress would be returned, and every order would be fulfilled right to the very end.

"Sebastian, forget our contract. I'm going to be committing suicide tonight," Ciel Phantomhive said ripping off his eye patch staring down at his butler whose lips split into a smile, "What a coincidence my Lord. I was just coming upstairs to kill you."

* * *

_...were it not for my broken heart, our first time wouldn't have to be the last..._

* * *

**This was moved from another account that I will soon be abandoning. Hope you enjoy reading again, unless you're reading for the first time… :)  
**


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